Marriage Equality

     After being with my wife for over 11 years, and after all that we've been through together, it's incredibly indignant to have our relationship status questioned at a national level. However, it is very heartening to see so many of our friends and family speak out in support of our relationship, and others' relationships. I am hoping that the Supreme Court will make the right decision regarding the two cases before it this week. But even if it doesn't, that will not change the strength and endurance of our relationship together, nor will it threaten the love that we share together and that we share with all who are on our side, and the side of so many other couples who just want to live happily.

          I very much hope that our child will be born to two parents who are legally married, and who can therefore offer him or her the full benefits and protections of our nation in addition to the love that we will certainly give to him or her.

Fetus Food!

         It's springtime here in Western Montana.  That means snow, rain, sun, repeat--sometimes within an hour.  One of the things we look forward to in our home during springtime is gardening season.  We grow a lot of veggies, fruit, and herbs as well as chickens for eggs and meat.  I'm really excited to be able to share our garden with our child, to teach him or her how plants grow, where food comes from, and how delicious and special homegrown food can be.

          For now, our child is still in utero.  But he or she needs healthy foods to grow and develop.  And springtime is a great time to finish off the bounty of last year to make sure there will be room for the goodies

to come this year.  So today, after a nice 6 mile run in the hills, I roasted a huge, 12 pound chicken that our hen, Tillie, raised from a tiny chick in our backyard.  Tillie will be wanting babies this spring too, and she is a terrific and skilled mother who keeps our backyard flock flush, our refrigerator filled with eggs, and our freezer stocked with meat.  It is a very special privilege to be able to eat healthy protein that was raised on our own land, and this privilege is made even more special since I know that it will help to nourish our baby's developing muscles and organs.

Along with our roasted chicken, I baked a raspberry ginger peach cobbler with a homemade granola topping.  We grew the raspberries in our backyard and froze them last summer, and we canned the peaches from a friend's peach orchard.  I used a little bit of honey to sweeten the cobbler, but it is mostly sweetened by the fruit since I want to help my wife prevent gestational diabetes.  Full of vitamins, fiber, and omega-3's, this dessert is both healthy and delicious.  I think our little one will love it!


When our child arrives and is ready for solid foods, I will use the seasonal fruits and vegetables that we grow to make homemade baby food.  But for now, I am happy to give our baby a little sneak preview of what's to come, even if he or she does have to eat it through an umbilical cord!

Telling the Family

"Um . . .on purpose?"

"Wait a minute; you're going to have to explain this one to me.  I don't understand how you people do that."

"I thought it would be a Chinese baby."

"Wow, that's unexpected."

"Oh, hm.  OK.  Yay.  I want to talk to you about this, but I'm really busy right now."


Those were the reactions of our family members when we told them that we are expecting our first child.  It's funny how when heterosexual couples get married or cohabit, people ask them when they are going to have children.  My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and no one has ever brought up the subject of children to us.  Everyone so far has seemed very surprised and a little confused when we announced the growing of our family.

But, for the most part, after the initial shock, we have had nothing but congratulations and well wishes from everyone.  It feels good to finally tell the family, as we are 10 weeks along, which is 25% of the way through the pregnancy, and keeping it a secret has been challenging.  We will tell friends and co-workers in 2 weeks, as long as our family can keep it off Facebook and prevent the beans from spilling prematurely.  

9 Weeks

     At 9 weeks, this is our child.  S/he has a beating heart, a brain, little arms & legs, and is growing every second of the day.

     Going to our first prenatal doctor visit was interesting.  First, we met with a financial representative to sign a bunch of paperwork and make a down payment on our baby.  It felt a lot like buying a car.  After we set up our payment plan, we went in for the ultrasound.  Our ultrasound technician was a woman who was probably in her late 50's or early 60's.  She splatted some lube on her little wand-camera, crammed it in, and was very matter-of-fact about every kooky thing she said.  "Well, there's your bug," she said when our baby sowed up on the screen.  It was exciting and reliving to get to see the baby, but it felt as though we were sharing an intensely private moment with some lady we had just met.  She kept pointing things out to us in the ultrasound and then saying, "But, please don't tell anyone I said that.  I always get into so much trouble but I never learn to keep quiet."  I wanted to give my wife a kiss, but when you're gay, you never know how people are going to react to very simple and natural exchanges of affection, so I refrained and instead asked questions as though I were in a biology class.  The most interesting answer: our baby came from an egg in my wife's right ovary.

     After the ultrasound we were sent into a room to wait for almost an hour.  After we had run out of ways to entertain ourselves with the surrounding medical displays and supplies, a crabby nurse came in and asked my if I was my wife's mother.  I am 1 year older than my wife.  I couldn't help myself, "What?  Are you serious?  Her mother?  Do I really look like I could be her mother?"  This probably wasn't the best way to start off with her, but I doubt she asks any men if they are their wives' fathers.  "Well you guys look alike," she said.  We do not look alike, and even if we did, I would have had to have been pregnant at 1 year old.  I kind of suspected that what she meant is that all lesbians look alike to her.  She asked a few general health questions, took blood pressure, and then luckily she left the room so that the real nurse practitioner could come in.  

     The nurse practitioner immediately recognized that we were a couple and congratulated us on our coming child.  She asked for my last name and said she wanted to be sure that she had the last name right for the baby.  As we talked, I learned that our nurse practitioner raises chickens and double digs her organic vegetable garden--I really liked this lady.  Plus, she was knowledgeable about nutrition and did not mind answering our questions.  It was a relief to finally speak with someone I felt I could trust and learn from.

     We then met with another person and were scheduled for something like 16 more visits, were sent to have my wife's blood drawn, and then let back into the shining world after about 4 hours with a free diaper and a photo of our very tiny, but steadily growing child.  It's amazing how the whole exchange was just another day at work for the people who helped us, but to us, it was a life-changing event that brought our little family face-to-face for the first time.

What? I have to adopt my own child?

     Today my wife and I met with an attorney to make sure that we have all of our legal rights and responsibilities in place before our baby is born.  When you're gay, you can't just get married, put your names on your child's birth certificate, and be a happy family.  You have to go through the courts and prove that you are worthy of only part of the rights that are given to married heterosexual couples.

     We learned today that we will need to go through the process of adopting our child.  Yes, the child that we decided to create and raise together, the child that my wife is creating with her own body must be adopted, specifically by me.  We must first indicate on the baby's birth certificate that the other parent is "unknown," even though I will be standing right there.  We must then go though a home study--that is, we have to have a stranger come into our home and decide if we are fit to be the parents of our own child.  The ironic thing about the home study is that even if they don't approve of our home, it is where our child will live since both my wife, who is the child's biological mother, and myself live there.  Then, we will have to go before a judge and declare that the baby's other parent has "abandoned" him or her and petition for the adoption.  Of course, there are plenty of legal fees associated with this.  So, money that we could have spent directly on our child will have to be spent on a lawyer, a home study, and legal filing fees instead.

     That's not all.  We will have to have an attorney help us to write a will and draw up a durable power of attorney to make sure that I can make medical decisions for my wife if she is hospitalized during her pregnancy, to make sure that we both can medically care for our child, and to make sure that if one of us dies, our child does not become a warden of the state.

     I am not happy about doing any of this.

     And, I am happy to do it all.

     It's a strange mixed-feeling of indignity and joy in preparing everything so that our child can have a happy life.  I'm happy we found an attorney who is understanding and can help us through these processes, but I'd rather be hiring her to help set up a college fund for our little one.  I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects rather than the frustrating ones, but that is going to take some real self-control.

Making the Food That Makes the Baby

There really isn't a whole lot I can do as the parent who is not making the baby within my own body.  I can watch, wait, worry, and even try to plan, but I feel like there is something more I should be doing.  Something to contribute to the over-all health & development of our little person, something to somehow help carry the burden of creating our child.

When reading about pregnancy, one topic I frequently notice is nutrition.  Pregnant mothers need to consume an average to 300 extra calories each day.  They also need to make sure that those calories come from nutrient-rich, healthy foods with plenty of iron, calcium, folate, and fiber.  The tiny developing baby inside my wife is eating what my wife eats, and is literally being constructed from the food.   As the family cook, this is something I can get involved with.  I can make the food that makes the baby.

Here is a quick lunch that I put together for the two of them.  It is red quinoa with kidney beans, kale, walnuts, and apples.  There is also olive oil, lemon, and herbs bringing the flavors together.

For dinner, I made a soup inspired by Julia Child's recipe for French onion soup.  A good soup takes all day to make, but it is always worth it.  This soup started by roasting some beef bones & onions in the oven, simmering them for 5 hours with other spices & vegetables, then straining the broth.  To serve, I filled the bowl with the soup, added a poached egg from our hens, and then grated some Swiss cheese onto the soup.  My cheese sank into the soup and did not form a gorgeous topping as Julia Child's did, but it still tasted nice.

In addition to foods that are good for developing babies, there are also foods that can harm them and which should be avoided.  Things like caffeine, alcohol, sprouts, and shellfish to name a few.  My wife particularly enjoys tea: black, green, and herbal.  But while pregnant, she has been advised to avoid consuming any tea.  Here in Montana, the winters are long and cold, and a hot cup of tea not only tastes good, but it also soothes and warms the whole body.  So, on this snowy February afternoon, while the stock for the soup was simmering, I concocted a couple of healthy mixtures my wife can use to substitute for nice cup of tea.  

The jar on the left is a suspension of vanilla beans, star anise, cinnamon sticks, and ginger in honey.  The jar on the right is a suspension of a lemon and ginger in honey.  It will steep in the refrigerator for a couple of days, and then it can be added by the spoonful to cups of hot water for "tea."

Honey, fresh ginger, and lemon slices can also be steeped in simmering water for about 10 minutes to make a satisfying tea substitute one cup at a time.  Ginger and lemon can help to ease nausea, which troubles some pregnant women.

I really like the idea that I can make the food that my wife will use to make our baby.  Our baby will be made of so much delicious food and love.  I'm excited to meet this little one and find out what his/her favorite foods will be.

We're Pregnant

We're pregnant.

OK, she's pregnant.  But, we're in this together and we're starting a family.  I am so happy.

It took some planning, but it was much easier than I had imagined it would be.  We selected a donor based upon blood type, health, and genetic history, filled out some paperwork, made an appointment with the OBGYN, and 2 weeks later: my wife is creating a little person inside of her body.

I have always known I wanted children.  To have a child with the woman I've loved for the past 11 years is the best thing I could have ever imagined for my life.

Now, it's time to get educated about everything baby and start making some plans.